Post by BuddyLove on Sept 16, 2015 1:41:51 GMT -5
The Winnebago rocks back and forth, disturbing Buddy Love’s slumber. He rubs his eyes; they feel as if they have been closed for ages. He rolls around on his bed/couch and sits up straight after a moment. He wiggles his toes and feels them slide across the countless glass bottles all around the floor of the Winnebago. Buddy’s head feels about three times bigger than it is supposed to be. He sits there, his older body aching, trying to remember the night before. He remembers drinking lots and lots of wine coolers, he remembers the cheerleaders from the university and their “stripper pole dance off”, and he remembers his long lost friend, Big Norm, the Foot Long Midget, returning in the night. The Winnebago rocks again.
Buddy stumbles to his feet and makes his way to the front. He pops his head into the cockpit, and sees Big Norm driving like a bat out of hell, with a big cigar in his mouth, his gold chain swaying back and forth with each dramatic pull of the stirring wheel. He jerks the wheel again, and Buddy tumbles into the passenger seat.
“About time you woke up sucka!” Big Norm laughs as he turns the wheel again.
“What the hell are you doing?” Buddy shrieks as he frantically buckles his seat belt.
“Training, we have to start your training.” Big Norm barks. “You have been out of wrestling for far too long.”
“Wrestling? I haven’t wrestled since Sports Entertainment Extreme folded.”
“Well you got a fourth chance my friend. You have grown old and tired, but we’ll fix that.” Big Norm smiled and spun the wheel around again.
Buddy almost tumbles over in his seat, and finally notices that the dark swamp was far behind them. All he could see was white. “Where the hell are we?!”
“The North Pole sucka!”
“WHAT?!”
“That’s right. I got the cure for those old bones and muscles of yours. Shit, we might even find some elves and Santa Claus.”
The Winnebago swerves and slides to a stop.
“OH YES! This spot will do nicely.” Big Norm laughs and puts the RV in park.
“How the hell did we get here?” Buddy looks out the window, only seeing snow and ice.
“Well duh, Canada.”
“How did you get through the border crossing? I have like 3 warrants up here.”
“You have warrants in Canada? This is like the most peaceful free place on the planet?” Big Norm looks on with a confused look.
“Let’s just say I had a run in with a Mountie’s sister, a Rabi, and Mike Myers.”
“Dah hell?”
“Well at the time, I was doing the Mountie’s sister doggystyle, in front of the horse, which is frowned…”
“Just stop right there. I don’t need to hear the rest.” Big Norm shakes his head. “Anyways, sucka, we’re here to start your training. We need to get you back into ring shape.”
“And how are we going to do that in Canada?”
“Well, I heard these really old dudes do this ice water thing to keep their muscles and joints fresh, so here we are. And it looks like you have the right clothing on…..” Big Norm laughs and points at Buddy’s waist, seeing that his boxers have been replaced by a pair of large panties. “How the hell did you acquire those?”
“I don’t remember, but I’m guessing one of those cheerleaders decided to keep my boxers as a prize.”
“Hahaha I bet she did... Now come with me sucka!”
Big Norm pushes Buddy out of the Winnebago into the snowy tundra. The snow falls from the sky as the sun starts to push up over the horizon. Buddy stands there, shivering in the panties as Big Norm chuckles to himself as he hits a patch of ice with a sledgehammer. The ice cracks and a rather large hole in the ice appears. “Well that was surprisingly easy. Now hop in.”
“Are you sure about this?”
“I SAID GET IN THERE!” Big Norm laughs and whacks Buddy upside the head with the sledgehammer.
Buddy tumbles into the ice head first, and immediately sinks into the freezing pool. The cold water engulfs him and being since he can’t swim, he sinks deeper. Buddy would yell out in rage if he could, but being whacked upside the head with a sledge, he only hear birds and singing……
Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.
Buddy awakens from his slumber, finding himself completely surrounded by white again. Is this heaven?
“This isn’t heaven sucka!”
Buddy looks over to Big Norm smoking a cigar, sitting in a rocking chair, and laughing. “Welcome back.”
“How long was I out?”
“You were frozen for a week.”
“A WEEK?!”
“Ha ha, yeah, I even had you declared legally dead.”
“I’m legally dead? In Canada?”
“Haha yeah, the Mounties dragged your ass out of the water and claimed all your shit.” Big Norm laughs some more.
Buddy Love growls as he gets up out of the bed, and to his surprise, his muscles and joints feel revived. He looks over to Big Norm in shock. Big Norm laughs and puffs on his cigar more. “I told you it would work…… Now get dressed and let’s go get your shit.”
After an eight minute and forty-three second pee, just me Big Norm was counting just to see if it was a world record, the pair moved to the Mountie station to reclaim Buddy’s things. He was still rather upset that he had been declared dead in Canada and all of his things were claimed by the Mounties. However, on a bright side, at least being dead seemed to wipe away all his warrants.
“Once again, I’m only here to claim my things.”
“You need to fill out the proper forms eh.”
“Listen sucka, there is going to be trouble unless you get my mate’s things, eh sucka!”
“You need to fill out the proper form eh. He was declared dead so I need proof of living eh, and a passport.”
“Give me the forms…..” Buddy growls and quickly fills them out.
“That’s all I needed sir. Now, let me hand over your gear for you.” The Mountie said as a very attractive female Mountie arrived with a basket of Buddy’s things. She smiled and started to speak, “Now, Mr. Buddy, um, Love, Johansson.”
“That’s right, Love is my middle name baby.”
“First, we have a black bandana with a note attached stating that it gives infinite beads?”
“That’s right, I got that from a guy name Snake, good guy, just smoked too much.”
Big Norm laughs, “My kind of guy.”
“Next, we have a crushed tie-dyed bathrobe with male symbol necklace.”
“I didn’t even think I still had that!” Buddy smiles.
“Next we have one pair of gator skin boots.”
“I didn’t know you had a pair of those?” Big Norm asks.
“I got them from the Creedence. I did a lot of security for them back in the day.”
“Then we have one vinyl record, Barry White and the glistening female essence.”
“Ohhhhh I love that album!” Big Norm snatches it from the woman. “I didn’t figure you for a Barry man Buddy.”
“Oh you gotta love the White Barry.”
“Let’s see, one Swedish made..... Penis pump.”
“WHAT!” Big Norm says.
“It’s not mine!”
“BUDDY!”
“It’s not mine!”
“One check receipt for said Swedish made........ Penis pump… Signed by Buddy Love.”
“It’s not mine!”
“One lifetime warranty card for said Swedish made....... Penis pump……” The woman continues. “ Filled out by Buddy Love.”
“What the hell Buddy?!”
“First of all, you don’t know how to use one of those. Second, I don’t even need to use one of those.”
“And finally, one book entitled Swedish made Penis Pumps and winecoolers and me, god damn it makes for a good night with college strippers, authored by Buddy Love…..”
“…… damn it….” Buddy shouts. “I made no money on that book.”
“I can tell….. sucka…..”
“…… I fucking hate Canada…….”
Buddy stumbles to his feet and makes his way to the front. He pops his head into the cockpit, and sees Big Norm driving like a bat out of hell, with a big cigar in his mouth, his gold chain swaying back and forth with each dramatic pull of the stirring wheel. He jerks the wheel again, and Buddy tumbles into the passenger seat.
“About time you woke up sucka!” Big Norm laughs as he turns the wheel again.
“What the hell are you doing?” Buddy shrieks as he frantically buckles his seat belt.
“Training, we have to start your training.” Big Norm barks. “You have been out of wrestling for far too long.”
“Wrestling? I haven’t wrestled since Sports Entertainment Extreme folded.”
“Well you got a fourth chance my friend. You have grown old and tired, but we’ll fix that.” Big Norm smiled and spun the wheel around again.
Buddy almost tumbles over in his seat, and finally notices that the dark swamp was far behind them. All he could see was white. “Where the hell are we?!”
“The North Pole sucka!”
“WHAT?!”
“That’s right. I got the cure for those old bones and muscles of yours. Shit, we might even find some elves and Santa Claus.”
The Winnebago swerves and slides to a stop.
“OH YES! This spot will do nicely.” Big Norm laughs and puts the RV in park.
“How the hell did we get here?” Buddy looks out the window, only seeing snow and ice.
“Well duh, Canada.”
“How did you get through the border crossing? I have like 3 warrants up here.”
“You have warrants in Canada? This is like the most peaceful free place on the planet?” Big Norm looks on with a confused look.
“Let’s just say I had a run in with a Mountie’s sister, a Rabi, and Mike Myers.”
“Dah hell?”
“Well at the time, I was doing the Mountie’s sister doggystyle, in front of the horse, which is frowned…”
“Just stop right there. I don’t need to hear the rest.” Big Norm shakes his head. “Anyways, sucka, we’re here to start your training. We need to get you back into ring shape.”
“And how are we going to do that in Canada?”
“Well, I heard these really old dudes do this ice water thing to keep their muscles and joints fresh, so here we are. And it looks like you have the right clothing on…..” Big Norm laughs and points at Buddy’s waist, seeing that his boxers have been replaced by a pair of large panties. “How the hell did you acquire those?”
“I don’t remember, but I’m guessing one of those cheerleaders decided to keep my boxers as a prize.”
“Hahaha I bet she did... Now come with me sucka!”
Big Norm pushes Buddy out of the Winnebago into the snowy tundra. The snow falls from the sky as the sun starts to push up over the horizon. Buddy stands there, shivering in the panties as Big Norm chuckles to himself as he hits a patch of ice with a sledgehammer. The ice cracks and a rather large hole in the ice appears. “Well that was surprisingly easy. Now hop in.”
“Are you sure about this?”
“I SAID GET IN THERE!” Big Norm laughs and whacks Buddy upside the head with the sledgehammer.
Buddy tumbles into the ice head first, and immediately sinks into the freezing pool. The cold water engulfs him and being since he can’t swim, he sinks deeper. Buddy would yell out in rage if he could, but being whacked upside the head with a sledge, he only hear birds and singing……
Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.
Buddy awakens from his slumber, finding himself completely surrounded by white again. Is this heaven?
“This isn’t heaven sucka!”
Buddy looks over to Big Norm smoking a cigar, sitting in a rocking chair, and laughing. “Welcome back.”
“How long was I out?”
“You were frozen for a week.”
“A WEEK?!”
“Ha ha, yeah, I even had you declared legally dead.”
“I’m legally dead? In Canada?”
“Haha yeah, the Mounties dragged your ass out of the water and claimed all your shit.” Big Norm laughs some more.
Buddy Love growls as he gets up out of the bed, and to his surprise, his muscles and joints feel revived. He looks over to Big Norm in shock. Big Norm laughs and puffs on his cigar more. “I told you it would work…… Now get dressed and let’s go get your shit.”
After an eight minute and forty-three second pee, just me Big Norm was counting just to see if it was a world record, the pair moved to the Mountie station to reclaim Buddy’s things. He was still rather upset that he had been declared dead in Canada and all of his things were claimed by the Mounties. However, on a bright side, at least being dead seemed to wipe away all his warrants.
“Once again, I’m only here to claim my things.”
“You need to fill out the proper forms eh.”
“Listen sucka, there is going to be trouble unless you get my mate’s things, eh sucka!”
“You need to fill out the proper form eh. He was declared dead so I need proof of living eh, and a passport.”
“Give me the forms…..” Buddy growls and quickly fills them out.
“That’s all I needed sir. Now, let me hand over your gear for you.” The Mountie said as a very attractive female Mountie arrived with a basket of Buddy’s things. She smiled and started to speak, “Now, Mr. Buddy, um, Love, Johansson.”
“That’s right, Love is my middle name baby.”
“First, we have a black bandana with a note attached stating that it gives infinite beads?”
“That’s right, I got that from a guy name Snake, good guy, just smoked too much.”
Big Norm laughs, “My kind of guy.”
“Next, we have a crushed tie-dyed bathrobe with male symbol necklace.”
“I didn’t even think I still had that!” Buddy smiles.
“Next we have one pair of gator skin boots.”
“I didn’t know you had a pair of those?” Big Norm asks.
“I got them from the Creedence. I did a lot of security for them back in the day.”
“Then we have one vinyl record, Barry White and the glistening female essence.”
“Ohhhhh I love that album!” Big Norm snatches it from the woman. “I didn’t figure you for a Barry man Buddy.”
“Oh you gotta love the White Barry.”
“Let’s see, one Swedish made..... Penis pump.”
“WHAT!” Big Norm says.
“It’s not mine!”
“BUDDY!”
“It’s not mine!”
“One check receipt for said Swedish made........ Penis pump… Signed by Buddy Love.”
“It’s not mine!”
“One lifetime warranty card for said Swedish made....... Penis pump……” The woman continues. “ Filled out by Buddy Love.”
“What the hell Buddy?!”
“First of all, you don’t know how to use one of those. Second, I don’t even need to use one of those.”
“And finally, one book entitled Swedish made Penis Pumps and winecoolers and me, god damn it makes for a good night with college strippers, authored by Buddy Love…..”
“…… damn it….” Buddy shouts. “I made no money on that book.”
“I can tell….. sucka…..”
“…… I fucking hate Canada…….”