Post by BuddyLove on Sept 16, 2015 23:46:40 GMT -5
The camera opens to a smiling Big Norm, the Foot-Long Midget, smoking a rather large cigar and holding up a bag of beef jerky. He takes a long puff from the cigar and sets it down. He picks up a large microphone, possible a relic from the Wide World of Sports television program.
“Hello suckas! And the World, or exclusively the CEO of the Jack Links Corporation. I’m here today to show you fine people, and the suckas that are the doubters, that Buddy, LOVE, Johansson, will be the next World Heavyweight Champion, and more importantly, the spokesperson for Jack Links Beef Jerky!”
“Are you sure about this Norm?”
“KEEP THAT BLINDFOLD ON!”
“Don’t need this blind-“
The camera tumbles over and is filled with static for a moment before it returns with Big Norm again smiling.
“Sorry about that. We have had some technical difficulties up here in Canada. Anyways, as I was saying, Buddy Love, the next champion of the world, and the next spokesperson
for this fine meaty product.”
Big Norm holds up the larger bag of beef jerky.
“You will see what happens when you feed the wild side sucka!”
Big Norm grabs the camera and moves the feed to Buddy Love, who is sitting on a rock, blindfolded, and once again only in his boxers.
“Now, I must admit, this elderly man does not look like much now.”
“HEY!”
“But what Buddy doesn’t have in youthfulness or strength, or muscle tone, or bone density, he has in SPIRIT AND SOUL!”
“You damn right. There is still fight left in this old dog.”
“YES! Especially when you FEED THE WILD SIDE!” Big Norm laughs. “Oh, Buddy, eat this!”
Big Norm slaps Buddy across the face with a big piece of jerky. Buddy shrieks and suddenly finds the jerky shoved into his mouth. Big Norm laughs and returns to the camera.
“See, when you FEED THE WILD SIDE!, you can become the heavyweight champ!”
Buddy mumbles something in the background.
“Now, pay attention SUCKA!”
Big Norm pulls the camera in close.
“PAY ATTENTION! FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25TH! FROM……………..
BALTIMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MARYLAND!
The Power Plant Live, at the Inner Harbor to be exact, you, I, Buddy, the world, some hotties, and probably a lot of drunks, are going to witness a CHRISTENING! A christening of a new world champion! There is going to be a brawl of epic portions. There will be sweat, there will be blood, there are going to be a whole lot of tears, and there are gonna to be a whole lotta beads SUCKA!”
“Damn right.” Buddy says as he swallows down the jerky.
“And Buddy Love, the Count of Monte Disco, the Jester of Sting, The Master of Bourbon Street, The Dancing Boxer, the One and Only HIGH PROFILING! LOVE MAKING! WINE-COOLER DRINKING! HARD PUNCHING! SUAVE FLIRTING! WINNEBAGO DRIVING! BOOBIE MOTOR-O-BOATING! TIE-DYE WEARING, FATHER TIME DENYING SONE OF BITCH! IS GOING TO WIN THAT BELT! WHOOOOOOOOO!”
Big Norm moves the camera to Buddy.
“And here’s how. On the 25th, the battle royal of all fights will go down, and there is only one man walking out with the belt. And that man is Buddy LOVE! And to prove it, he’s going to throw down right now! Get in there Buddy!” Big Norm pushes him.
“I’m not sure about this.”
“GET IN THERE! You got this easy. You have been training all week for this fight.”
“Well, not this fight exactly.”
“BULLSHIT! Get in there an show the world you are the top dog in this fight.”
“But Norm….”
“GET IN THERE NOW! SUCKA!”
“But Norm, why am I covered in honey?”
The camera pans down, and sure enough, Buddy is a rather golden shine. He slaps his hand onto his leg, and with a bit of effort, and some stickiness, he pulled his hand back up.
“Just trust me, it will add to the excitement.”
Big Norm gives Buddy a push forward, and almost was stuck to him as well. Buddy stumbles into the cave, still blindfolded. Flashlights are scattered around the cave as Buddy carefully moves into the center of the cavern. Big Norm follows, dragging the camera with him as he keeps rather away from Buddy.
“Do you know how you train and win a battle royal? BEARS!”
Suddenly, roars fill the cavern as seven grizzly bears come rushing toward Buddy. Buddy removes the blindfold and shrieks.
“NORM!” Buddy screams as he rolls out of the way of the first bear.
“Shit, I forgot to give him the jerky for the prefight close-up….”
Buddy recovers from the roll, but finds himself looking straight up at a bear. It roars and stands up on its hind legs. Buddy screams and kicks it right in its privates. The bear shrieks out and tumbles over. Another bear tries to tackle Buddy, but Buddy rolls the bear onto his shoulder and gives him an atomic drop. The bear falls over, trying to take a swing at Buddy. Buddy spins around and dropkicks the bear right in the face.
Buddy gets back to his feet as two more bears charge him. Buddy charges them as both bears leap into the air. Buddy jumps up, catching each bear’s head in his arms, and hits a swinging DDT. Buddy tries to hop back to his feet, but a bear clamps down on his shoulder with its jaws. Buddy screams out, but counters with a swinging neckbreaker. Buddy staggers to his feet, seeing the three remaining bears roaring at him. Buddy charges the closest one, giving it a shoulder block that staggers the bear, but does not knock it over. Buddy pounds away at its ribcage with his fist before hitting a cutter on the bear.
Buddy growls to the other two bears as they charge at him. Buddy ducks down and hits a hard European upper cut on a bear, stunning it. He trips the other bear, causing it to roll forward. Buddy hops up to his feet and starts working the stunned bear. Right left right left his fists go, hitting the bear with every punch he can think of. The bear roars one last time as Buddy lands another upper cut, shutting the bear up, and hitting another cutter. Buddy turns around to the last bear trying to get to its feet. Buddy hops on its back and throws his sleeper hold on it. Buddy grimaces as he locks it in deep, choking the bear.
“That’s how it is done!” Big Norm shouts.
The camera is filled with static again. The camera returns with Buddy, covered in blood and honey, sitting on the boulder again. He stares at the camera, eating from a bag of jerky. The camera zooms out, and Buddy is sitting with the bears on each side of him. They are all roaring, eating from very large bags of jerky. The camera spins around to a laughing Big Norm.
“Feed the WILD SIDE! SUCKA!”
“Hello suckas! And the World, or exclusively the CEO of the Jack Links Corporation. I’m here today to show you fine people, and the suckas that are the doubters, that Buddy, LOVE, Johansson, will be the next World Heavyweight Champion, and more importantly, the spokesperson for Jack Links Beef Jerky!”
“Are you sure about this Norm?”
“KEEP THAT BLINDFOLD ON!”
“Don’t need this blind-“
The camera tumbles over and is filled with static for a moment before it returns with Big Norm again smiling.
“Sorry about that. We have had some technical difficulties up here in Canada. Anyways, as I was saying, Buddy Love, the next champion of the world, and the next spokesperson
for this fine meaty product.”
Big Norm holds up the larger bag of beef jerky.
“You will see what happens when you feed the wild side sucka!”
Big Norm grabs the camera and moves the feed to Buddy Love, who is sitting on a rock, blindfolded, and once again only in his boxers.
“Now, I must admit, this elderly man does not look like much now.”
“HEY!”
“But what Buddy doesn’t have in youthfulness or strength, or muscle tone, or bone density, he has in SPIRIT AND SOUL!”
“You damn right. There is still fight left in this old dog.”
“YES! Especially when you FEED THE WILD SIDE!” Big Norm laughs. “Oh, Buddy, eat this!”
Big Norm slaps Buddy across the face with a big piece of jerky. Buddy shrieks and suddenly finds the jerky shoved into his mouth. Big Norm laughs and returns to the camera.
“See, when you FEED THE WILD SIDE!, you can become the heavyweight champ!”
Buddy mumbles something in the background.
“Now, pay attention SUCKA!”
Big Norm pulls the camera in close.
“PAY ATTENTION! FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25TH! FROM……………..
BALTIMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MARYLAND!
The Power Plant Live, at the Inner Harbor to be exact, you, I, Buddy, the world, some hotties, and probably a lot of drunks, are going to witness a CHRISTENING! A christening of a new world champion! There is going to be a brawl of epic portions. There will be sweat, there will be blood, there are going to be a whole lot of tears, and there are gonna to be a whole lotta beads SUCKA!”
“Damn right.” Buddy says as he swallows down the jerky.
“And Buddy Love, the Count of Monte Disco, the Jester of Sting, The Master of Bourbon Street, The Dancing Boxer, the One and Only HIGH PROFILING! LOVE MAKING! WINE-COOLER DRINKING! HARD PUNCHING! SUAVE FLIRTING! WINNEBAGO DRIVING! BOOBIE MOTOR-O-BOATING! TIE-DYE WEARING, FATHER TIME DENYING SONE OF BITCH! IS GOING TO WIN THAT BELT! WHOOOOOOOOO!”
Big Norm moves the camera to Buddy.
“And here’s how. On the 25th, the battle royal of all fights will go down, and there is only one man walking out with the belt. And that man is Buddy LOVE! And to prove it, he’s going to throw down right now! Get in there Buddy!” Big Norm pushes him.
“I’m not sure about this.”
“GET IN THERE! You got this easy. You have been training all week for this fight.”
“Well, not this fight exactly.”
“BULLSHIT! Get in there an show the world you are the top dog in this fight.”
“But Norm….”
“GET IN THERE NOW! SUCKA!”
“But Norm, why am I covered in honey?”
The camera pans down, and sure enough, Buddy is a rather golden shine. He slaps his hand onto his leg, and with a bit of effort, and some stickiness, he pulled his hand back up.
“Just trust me, it will add to the excitement.”
Big Norm gives Buddy a push forward, and almost was stuck to him as well. Buddy stumbles into the cave, still blindfolded. Flashlights are scattered around the cave as Buddy carefully moves into the center of the cavern. Big Norm follows, dragging the camera with him as he keeps rather away from Buddy.
“Do you know how you train and win a battle royal? BEARS!”
Suddenly, roars fill the cavern as seven grizzly bears come rushing toward Buddy. Buddy removes the blindfold and shrieks.
“NORM!” Buddy screams as he rolls out of the way of the first bear.
“Shit, I forgot to give him the jerky for the prefight close-up….”
Buddy recovers from the roll, but finds himself looking straight up at a bear. It roars and stands up on its hind legs. Buddy screams and kicks it right in its privates. The bear shrieks out and tumbles over. Another bear tries to tackle Buddy, but Buddy rolls the bear onto his shoulder and gives him an atomic drop. The bear falls over, trying to take a swing at Buddy. Buddy spins around and dropkicks the bear right in the face.
Buddy gets back to his feet as two more bears charge him. Buddy charges them as both bears leap into the air. Buddy jumps up, catching each bear’s head in his arms, and hits a swinging DDT. Buddy tries to hop back to his feet, but a bear clamps down on his shoulder with its jaws. Buddy screams out, but counters with a swinging neckbreaker. Buddy staggers to his feet, seeing the three remaining bears roaring at him. Buddy charges the closest one, giving it a shoulder block that staggers the bear, but does not knock it over. Buddy pounds away at its ribcage with his fist before hitting a cutter on the bear.
Buddy growls to the other two bears as they charge at him. Buddy ducks down and hits a hard European upper cut on a bear, stunning it. He trips the other bear, causing it to roll forward. Buddy hops up to his feet and starts working the stunned bear. Right left right left his fists go, hitting the bear with every punch he can think of. The bear roars one last time as Buddy lands another upper cut, shutting the bear up, and hitting another cutter. Buddy turns around to the last bear trying to get to its feet. Buddy hops on its back and throws his sleeper hold on it. Buddy grimaces as he locks it in deep, choking the bear.
“That’s how it is done!” Big Norm shouts.
The camera is filled with static again. The camera returns with Buddy, covered in blood and honey, sitting on the boulder again. He stares at the camera, eating from a bag of jerky. The camera zooms out, and Buddy is sitting with the bears on each side of him. They are all roaring, eating from very large bags of jerky. The camera spins around to a laughing Big Norm.
“Feed the WILD SIDE! SUCKA!”