Post by BuddyLove on Sept 18, 2015 21:00:36 GMT -5
“Are you sure about this? This isn’t exactly legal or safe eh?” The Canadian Mountie said atop his horse.
“Don’t you worry. It’s all going to go according to plan. It will be an entrance that will not be matched….. SUCKA!”
Big Norm slaps the horse across the rear and the horse takes off with the Mountie struggling to hold on. Big Norm laughs and runs over to his camcorder. He steadies the tripod and frames the picture like a skilled movie director. He makes sure the trees are in full display and that their Winnebago was also in the background. He hits the record button and runs in front of the camera.
“Good morning ladies and gentlemen and germs and the SUCKAS! of the world. I am Big Norm, the Foot-Long Midget, and trust me, there are plenty of ladies, and germs for that matter, that know what I’m talking about. We are live! From
NIAGARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS!
CANADA!”
Big Norm smiles and holds up a painting of Niagara Falls and then immediately tosses it, causing it to shatter on the ground.
“That’s right; Buddy Love and I have not left this god for shaken country, with its tress and Canadian Ham and Whiskey. Shit has been giving me the runs for days. Due to some illegal use of honey and animal cruelty, we have not been permitted to leave the country; leave the country legally that is. But with UNDERGROUND WRESTLING REVOLUTIONS’ CHRISTENING, the biggest, baddest, most awesome, stupendous, sell your unborn children’s children on this event, coming just around the corner, Buddy Love and I are determined to give the greatest entrance the wrestling world has ever seen. Aliens landing in Roswell, sucking the brains out of men and turning our women into sex slaves can’t even beat the mind-boggle-ness of what you are about to see! Buddy, get out here!”
“I don’t want to....”
“BUDDY! GET OUT HERE NOW!”
The side door of the Winnebago swings up. Buddy “Love” Johansson, the Count of Monte Disco, the Jester of Sting, the Silver Fox of Causin’ Panic, the Bead Throwing Flasher, and next WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, steps out into the early morning light. He stands, looking rather annoyed, fully posed as a gust of wind picks up (or more like 3 window fans being turned on). A cape, rainbow in color, that has been tied around Buddy’s neck comes into view, blowing in the “wind”. His skin, usually tan and somewhat wrinkled, is covered in white fur that has been hastily glued all over him. He glares at Big Norm, who hits his boombox, and The Final Countdown from Europe starts. Big Norm shouts to Buddy to pose, and after a moment and a heavy sigh, Buddy poses as if he was Superman.
“Cue the jerky!”
Buddy glares to Norm, and then lifts up a gigantic bag of Oberto Beef Jerky.
“That’s right SUCKAS! F*ck the WILD SIDE!” Big Norm laughs and holds up a bag of his own.
“Buddy Love says listen to the little voice in your stomach, and that voice says show the fans he’s got the biggest beads in the industry, and to knock your socks off, SUCKAS! OH BOY!”
Big Norm picks up the camera and kicks a barrel, which rolls to Buddy’s feet.
“Buddy, assume the position!”
Buddy glares at him. “No, you’ve gone too far this time.”
“No I haven’t! ASSUME THE POSITION!”
“This doesn’t make any sense.”
“Of course it does SUCKA!” Big Norm sets up the camera on the tripod again and runs over to Buddy. “YOU, BUDDY LOVE! Are you going to be the most awesome champion in history, and because you are, you have to come out with the most bad ass entrance ever!”
“I get that, I get that, I really do. But why am I covered in fur?”
“Well, to be honest with you, and the fine people of America, the world, and especially lawyers representing the Jack Links, this was going to be another promo for Jack Links jerky, and you were going to feed the wild side. However, ten minutes after I glued all that fur onto you, I received a call saying that I must, and I quote, CEASE AND DESIST, using Jack Links as a sponsor. So,” Big Norms holds up a bag of jerky again. “SAY HELLO TO OBERTO BEEF JERKY! LISTEN TO THE INNER VOICE!”
“WHAT?!”
“Don’t worry about it. Do you think we are going to be pushed over by some lawyers? HELL YES! I’M NOT GETTING SUED AGAIN! But its bullshit! Same bullshit that is exploiting the workers! By hanging onto outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society!”
“But I thought we lived in a dictatorship?”
“Buddy, if I have told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, we are living in an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to be a sort of executive officer for the day, but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a bi-weekly meeting, by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs, but with a two thirds majority in this case, IE, ME and the WORLD, GET IN THE BARREL!”
“But why the cape?”
“Because it’s festive, like circus peanuts!” Big Norm shouts as he pushes Buddy head first into the barrel.
Buddy’s legs start to kick as he cannot flip himself right side up. Big Norm gives the barrel a push and it rolls into the river.
The camera cuts out for a second, but turns with Big Norm now in a raincoat. The roar of Niagara Falls fills the screen as the falls are behind him. Big Norm starts to shout
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! BOYS AND GIRLS! CHILDREN OF ALL AGES AND SUCKAS OF ALL KINDS! I’M ON THE VOYAGE OF THE MIMI, NOT THE MAID OF THE MIST SINCE THAT BOAT IS FAR TOO EXPENSIVE TO RENT! I PROUDLY PRESENT TO YOU....
BUDDY!
LOVE!
JOHANSSON!”
The camera pans to the falls, where the water plummets from above. Suddenly Buddy’s entrance music kicks up; rather loud and annoyingly I must say. The Hamster Dance carries over the roar of the falls. Three cows, all tied to large blimps, come over the falls. Each cow is covered in beads and mooing dramatically, with a sign one each cow that reads BUDDY LOVE JOHANSSON. The cows float by, then there is only water.
“WHERE THE HELL IS HE?”
Big Norm becomes impatient as there is only water coming down the waterfall. The camera moves left and right, as if searching for him.
“SON OF A BITCH BETTER NOT HAVE SWAM TO SHORE!”
Suddenly, Buddy Love and his barrel come tumbling over the falls. Buddy’s screams are lost in the roar of the falls as he plummets and disappears into the mist.
“DO YOU THINK THAT’S IT?! WRONG SUCKA!”
Suddenly Buddy’s Winnebago, spewing purple and green smoke, and ablaze with blue flames, comes toppling over the falls. The RV starts to plummet, and as it does, a wide variety of fireworks come screaming out of the windows, doors and the back. The fireworks explode in the air with cracks and booms, as if WWIII had started. The RV cuts into the mist and explodes, sending beads, plastic bottles of booze, and burnt porno mags everywhere.
“NOW THAT’S YOUR NEXT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! SUCKA!”
“Don’t you worry. It’s all going to go according to plan. It will be an entrance that will not be matched….. SUCKA!”
Big Norm slaps the horse across the rear and the horse takes off with the Mountie struggling to hold on. Big Norm laughs and runs over to his camcorder. He steadies the tripod and frames the picture like a skilled movie director. He makes sure the trees are in full display and that their Winnebago was also in the background. He hits the record button and runs in front of the camera.
“Good morning ladies and gentlemen and germs and the SUCKAS! of the world. I am Big Norm, the Foot-Long Midget, and trust me, there are plenty of ladies, and germs for that matter, that know what I’m talking about. We are live! From
NIAGARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS!
CANADA!”
Big Norm smiles and holds up a painting of Niagara Falls and then immediately tosses it, causing it to shatter on the ground.
“That’s right; Buddy Love and I have not left this god for shaken country, with its tress and Canadian Ham and Whiskey. Shit has been giving me the runs for days. Due to some illegal use of honey and animal cruelty, we have not been permitted to leave the country; leave the country legally that is. But with UNDERGROUND WRESTLING REVOLUTIONS’ CHRISTENING, the biggest, baddest, most awesome, stupendous, sell your unborn children’s children on this event, coming just around the corner, Buddy Love and I are determined to give the greatest entrance the wrestling world has ever seen. Aliens landing in Roswell, sucking the brains out of men and turning our women into sex slaves can’t even beat the mind-boggle-ness of what you are about to see! Buddy, get out here!”
“I don’t want to....”
“BUDDY! GET OUT HERE NOW!”
The side door of the Winnebago swings up. Buddy “Love” Johansson, the Count of Monte Disco, the Jester of Sting, the Silver Fox of Causin’ Panic, the Bead Throwing Flasher, and next WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, steps out into the early morning light. He stands, looking rather annoyed, fully posed as a gust of wind picks up (or more like 3 window fans being turned on). A cape, rainbow in color, that has been tied around Buddy’s neck comes into view, blowing in the “wind”. His skin, usually tan and somewhat wrinkled, is covered in white fur that has been hastily glued all over him. He glares at Big Norm, who hits his boombox, and The Final Countdown from Europe starts. Big Norm shouts to Buddy to pose, and after a moment and a heavy sigh, Buddy poses as if he was Superman.
“Cue the jerky!”
Buddy glares to Norm, and then lifts up a gigantic bag of Oberto Beef Jerky.
“That’s right SUCKAS! F*ck the WILD SIDE!” Big Norm laughs and holds up a bag of his own.
“Buddy Love says listen to the little voice in your stomach, and that voice says show the fans he’s got the biggest beads in the industry, and to knock your socks off, SUCKAS! OH BOY!”
Big Norm picks up the camera and kicks a barrel, which rolls to Buddy’s feet.
“Buddy, assume the position!”
Buddy glares at him. “No, you’ve gone too far this time.”
“No I haven’t! ASSUME THE POSITION!”
“This doesn’t make any sense.”
“Of course it does SUCKA!” Big Norm sets up the camera on the tripod again and runs over to Buddy. “YOU, BUDDY LOVE! Are you going to be the most awesome champion in history, and because you are, you have to come out with the most bad ass entrance ever!”
“I get that, I get that, I really do. But why am I covered in fur?”
“Well, to be honest with you, and the fine people of America, the world, and especially lawyers representing the Jack Links, this was going to be another promo for Jack Links jerky, and you were going to feed the wild side. However, ten minutes after I glued all that fur onto you, I received a call saying that I must, and I quote, CEASE AND DESIST, using Jack Links as a sponsor. So,” Big Norms holds up a bag of jerky again. “SAY HELLO TO OBERTO BEEF JERKY! LISTEN TO THE INNER VOICE!”
“WHAT?!”
“Don’t worry about it. Do you think we are going to be pushed over by some lawyers? HELL YES! I’M NOT GETTING SUED AGAIN! But its bullshit! Same bullshit that is exploiting the workers! By hanging onto outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society!”
“But I thought we lived in a dictatorship?”
“Buddy, if I have told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, we are living in an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to be a sort of executive officer for the day, but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a bi-weekly meeting, by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs, but with a two thirds majority in this case, IE, ME and the WORLD, GET IN THE BARREL!”
“But why the cape?”
“Because it’s festive, like circus peanuts!” Big Norm shouts as he pushes Buddy head first into the barrel.
Buddy’s legs start to kick as he cannot flip himself right side up. Big Norm gives the barrel a push and it rolls into the river.
The camera cuts out for a second, but turns with Big Norm now in a raincoat. The roar of Niagara Falls fills the screen as the falls are behind him. Big Norm starts to shout
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! BOYS AND GIRLS! CHILDREN OF ALL AGES AND SUCKAS OF ALL KINDS! I’M ON THE VOYAGE OF THE MIMI, NOT THE MAID OF THE MIST SINCE THAT BOAT IS FAR TOO EXPENSIVE TO RENT! I PROUDLY PRESENT TO YOU....
BUDDY!
LOVE!
JOHANSSON!”
The camera pans to the falls, where the water plummets from above. Suddenly Buddy’s entrance music kicks up; rather loud and annoyingly I must say. The Hamster Dance carries over the roar of the falls. Three cows, all tied to large blimps, come over the falls. Each cow is covered in beads and mooing dramatically, with a sign one each cow that reads BUDDY LOVE JOHANSSON. The cows float by, then there is only water.
“WHERE THE HELL IS HE?”
Big Norm becomes impatient as there is only water coming down the waterfall. The camera moves left and right, as if searching for him.
“SON OF A BITCH BETTER NOT HAVE SWAM TO SHORE!”
Suddenly, Buddy Love and his barrel come tumbling over the falls. Buddy’s screams are lost in the roar of the falls as he plummets and disappears into the mist.
“DO YOU THINK THAT’S IT?! WRONG SUCKA!”
Suddenly Buddy’s Winnebago, spewing purple and green smoke, and ablaze with blue flames, comes toppling over the falls. The RV starts to plummet, and as it does, a wide variety of fireworks come screaming out of the windows, doors and the back. The fireworks explode in the air with cracks and booms, as if WWIII had started. The RV cuts into the mist and explodes, sending beads, plastic bottles of booze, and burnt porno mags everywhere.
“NOW THAT’S YOUR NEXT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! SUCKA!”